It’s 4am. I’m wide awake. Something strange just happened. Something that hasn’t happened in almost five years. Something I thought I had “conquered” came back tonight, and I don’t know what to make of it. So I’m going to write about it here.
When I was 19, I worked at a car rental company. It was almost a perfect job because I could do homework while getting paid. People weren’t constantly renting cars because I went to school in a relatively small town. Anyways, while I was there, I met a guy. Let’s call him Phil. Phil worked with me and from the moment I saw him, I was under his spell. After a couple months of working together and finding excuses to hang out, we started dating. It was great. It was this weird summer fling. What could go wrong.
A few months into our relationship, I started to notice he had weird anger issues. I didn’t think much of it because he and I were young. Long story short, as the months went on and we started to realize our lives together weren’t perfect, things started to get abusive. At first it was just comments said here and there, but things grew as they do. One day it got physical. As much as I told myself it would never happen again, it would. It stared to become more frequent, and for a short period of time, I had just kind of accepted it.
During the course of our relationship, I had helped Phil out (a lot IMHO, but that seems biased). Phil had moved and found a new job to be near me. However, at Phil’s new job there was a girl. Let’s call her Lily. Lily and Phil became fast friends. I would be lying if I said this didn’t enrage me. Anyways, Phil ended up leaving me for Lily. While it sucked, I thank god (or whatever) everyday for her. I truly believe this/she saved my life.
After the break up is when weird shit started to happen. He moved out of my apt but as people typically do, he left things at my place. The weird thing was he would come by at midnight to get them, after I had gone to bed. There was a lot of banging on doors and yelling. I was scared shitless to say the least. I stopped answering his calls, and he started leaving me voice messages that would range from anger to sadness. Bottom line, I became super paranoid. Phil knew everything about my life, where I lived, where I worked, where I went to school, what my car looked like. I couldn’t do anything alone anymore. I had to sleep at friends houses, shower when my friends were over to keep me company, spend every waking moment on the phone.. you get it.
I went to therapy and slowly worked my way through it. I feel like I’m over it — for the most part, but nights like tonight make me question it.
Tonight I had a dream, maybe a nightmare, where it all came back. The intense love I felt for this person, the worry that he could still hurt me, the strength it took to seek help, and the fear I had that he would find me and punish me. It was a dream, but it was all so real.
So I sit here, it’s 4:45 now, and I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t know how to process. Like I said, it’s been years since I had a dream that was this vivid. That’s why I wanted to share. Because maybe it was time, and maybe this is the best way to process.
I am no longer angry or frustrated or depressed about what happened. It is what it is. That being said, I still think it’s importnar to share, to stand in the light that is my life and not try to hide socially unacceptable stories. It’s time, you know?
Thanks for reading and allowing me to be vulnerable.