woof. today was a rough one. I don't know if it was because I had a deadline, decided to grow some balls and talk to a high up boss, or had too much coffee, but something just did not feel right. I mean, I'm barely even using proper grammar.. punctuation? does grammar include that stuff?
Anyways, I got to my workout this evening and I was ready to kill it. Well, I was ready to work on my form. We were doing deadlifts, and the last time i had worked on them, I felt like I wasn't doing them right. There are more things to keep in mind than I think one might think. Being a lifelong perfectionist with super high standards, I want to have the best damn deadlift. I want it to be squeaky clean, so beautiful, like a work of art. But something just wasn't right. I lifted... "okay", it didn't feel as good as it has in the past. I was getting feedback, but I felt like i couldn't translate the tips into my routine. I felt clunky, tight, and totally in my head. I was frustrated beyond belief. "Why can't I do this?" "Am I using my legs?" "Where are my lats?" "Is my core engaged?" "Can I feel my back" "are my arms locked out?" "Am I finishing with my hips?'
It turned into a mind game -- a story of "These are all the reasons why you can't." "These are all the things that make you less than." I know this is my downfall, the negative self-talk. I'm my own worst enemy. I know I do this, and usually, I do a good job of keeping it in check. Today was different. Today i didn't see it coming, I didn't even know it happened until I left, disappointed in myself, upset that I didn't "work hard" or "push" -- things that aren't even necessarily true. I was working on different things. Maybe I wasn't slinging heavy weights, but I was still working... right?
It's new for me to not be in this constant mindset. It's new for me to give myself the "glory", "respect", and "praise" I "deserve". I mean, I can't even write that sentence without putting that shit in quotes! ugh. Even know, as I'm typing this, as I'm sitting here acknowledging the hard work I'm putting in, I'm still thinking about how I probably can't engage all my muscles because I have too much fat that gets in the damn way of being able to lift properly.
I guess I'm writing because I know i need to learn to let go. I need to accept that we have off-days. I'm just having trouble along the way... what do they call them? learning pains? growing pains.. I'm an idiot -- it's like the show. It's important for me to realize that this is okay. Days like today, days that are harder than easier, are normal and they are okay. They don't define me, and they don't mean I'm unworthy or a slacker or a lazy ass. If anything, they mean I'm doing things a little differently.
That all being said, I still have trouble getting out of the mindset of "i suck". Today, I watched baseball to get myself right, but that's not always on. Do you all have suggestions as to how I can pull myself out of these ruts when they happen? If so, leave a comment and let me know! I need all the help I can get.