This month, like all months, have been hell. Well, maybe not hell, but jam-packed. I've really ramped up my marathon training, and it is no joke. I don't think anyone really thinks it's a joke, but it's kinda crazy, the amount of running and what not that I'm doing. I was really worried for a while that I wasn't going to be able to do it. I was tired -- I am tired. I was not a "natural born runner" and to those who say that no one is, I really am not. On a good day, I average an 11 minute mile. For people my age, that is below average. In some races, they throw that in with the walkers. That's not really my point though. My point is that I'm slow, and while that's not bad, it means it takes me longer. It means that I finish running hours after some runners and at least 30+ minutes after others.
Who cares? Right? like, BFD. I'm slow, at least I'm doing it.... ugh. If only my overachieving self could be rest assured in those words. Here's the thing. It's wearing. It's a completely different beast. I know that 80% of runners will not understand, I mean, I will probably never know what it feels like to run quickly... I hesitate while writing this because I don't mean to offend people or complain.. too much.. but I really feel like for me, it's not about the distance that is getting to me. It's really the struggle with how long it is taking me to do the distance. There's a lot of feelings of being a failure, being incapable, feeling like an idiot all because it's taking me longer to do something. They cherry on top is that all these feelings are self-inflicted. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse to know that I signed up under my own will power.. What's also difficult is knowing that I don't usually quit or back out. I cry, complain, freak out, and stress, but when it comes down to it, I still do it. I'm still doing it, and I'm going to continue to do it. 90% out of fear and 10% out of pride.
I think back to the last time I felt like something was so difficult, too difficult. Automatically I think of grad school. That was no picnic. It was bootcamp. It was grueling. It was hard. I cried all the time. I dreaded the passing of time, but I also felt like things would never end. I don't know if this marathon is the same thing, if it's the same kind of anxiety. I mean, it probably is, but I've blocked a lot of those feelings out (thanks, brain). All of that aside, awesome things came from my grad school experience and looking back, I'd only change a hand full of things... lol jk. I wouldn't change too much. Chances are, amazing things will come from this marathon experience. I'm already meeting awesome people; my love affair with running is still alive; and my body is not 100% dead. Speaking of which, I would like to give a special shout out to my body. It never ceases to amaze me all the things it lets me do and put it through. It complains, but only when I don't give it the attention it deserves. Body, you are the real MVP. I guess we just have to find a way for our brain to shut up and enjoy too.
If you guys have any tips/tricks that you have picked up to keep your mind off of the "terrible" things you're putting yourself through, let me know in the comments! (Especially if it's a counting/math game. I love doing that kind of stuff while I run.) Or if you have an especially good audiobook recommendation!
thanks for reading, as usual! I'll be sure to keep you all up to date on the marathon haps.