It's been awhile...

<insert Staind lyrics here> just kidding. 

But it really had been a while. The last time I wrote, I was training for my marathon. Right after I posted my training ramped up and so did everything else around me. The good news is, I completed my marathon (!) and I'm not completely gone from the world. The bad news is that I've had one of the worst summers of my life. Well, it was not completely terrible, I did and saw amazing things, but things, as they do in life, have been changing at a speed more rapid than I am comfortable with or used to. I know (maybe) what you're thinking. The only constant in life is change... Change is inevitable.. Get comfortable in feeling comfortable... or really, how is this different than any other time you've ever posted?! I'm not really sure I know how to give the completely short version, but here's (my attempt at) the not-long, less-detailed version.

Since I've been in my mid-to-late twenties, I've been feeling like I'm on the verge of something. I never can tell if it's the verge of just settling down in life or if it's something completely different. This includes everything from finances to career to lifestyle to hobbies to the moon and back. I am all over the place. This is super different than all the other time periods of my life. I was always pretty sure I'd work some corporate job, climb a corporate ladder, and rest on the foundation that my family/schooling built. Now that I'm here, I don't feel as "cush" as I think i should.. or I feel super uncomfortable with how "cush" it is. 

Okay, that's really the backstory. Basically this summer, I pushed and tested the limits of my physical self (26.2 miles of pure bliss--lol), and while I was training to not completely wreck my body (and mind) about this, the other parts of my life fell apart. My job started to ask a lot of me, mentally and emotionally; my anxiety creeped back into my life; the balance that I have been working hard to achieve/maintain completely combusted after my marathon was over; boundaries that I had previously set were (subconsciously) renegotiated; I lost myself. 

The lowest point came during the last week of August when I found myself in a position where I simultaneously felt so alone but so empowered to fight. The problem was (and still is) I am drained and to a certain extent, feel like I'm out of options. But I'm not. I'm not alone, I can fight. I have people who will fight with me and for me. I have support. 

The month of September has been one of finding new ground, cultivating me, reminding myself that I am worthy. I am lovable. I am trustworthy. I am capable. I am confident. 

I have picked myself up enough to now share this time of "re"growth with all of you, and hopefully remind my future self that I can make it through really tough times. So look forward to posts about my "crazy, traumatic summer" and really the ways I'm finding to learn from it. Also look forward to hearing/seeing/reading about all the fun shit I did because I did do some really great stuff! 

Thanks for sticking around to see if I'm still alive. 

xX, kk

Tortoise here.

This month, like all months, have been hell. Well, maybe not hell, but jam-packed. I've really ramped up my marathon training, and it is no joke. I don't think anyone really thinks it's a joke, but it's kinda crazy, the amount of running and what not that I'm doing. I was really worried for a while that I wasn't going to be able to do it. I was tired -- I am tired. I was not a "natural born runner" and to those who say that no one is, I really am not. On a good day, I average an 11 minute mile. For people my age, that is below average. In some races, they throw that in with the walkers. That's not really my point though. My point is that I'm slow, and while that's not bad, it means it takes me longer. It means that I finish running hours after some runners and at least 30+ minutes after others. 

Who cares? Right? like, BFD. I'm slow, at least I'm doing it.... ugh. If only my overachieving self could be rest assured in those words. Here's the thing. It's wearing. It's a completely different beast. I know that 80% of runners will not understand, I mean, I will probably never know what it feels like to run quickly... I hesitate while writing this because I don't mean to offend people or complain.. too much.. but I really feel like for me, it's not about the distance that is getting to me. It's really the struggle with how long it is taking me to do the distance. There's a lot of feelings of being a failure, being incapable, feeling like an idiot all because it's taking me longer to do something. They cherry on top is that all these feelings are self-inflicted. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse to know that I signed up under my own will power.. What's also difficult is knowing that I don't usually quit or back out. I cry, complain, freak out, and stress, but when it comes down to it, I still do it. I'm still doing it, and I'm going to continue to do it. 90% out of fear and 10% out of pride. 

I think back to the last time I felt like something was so difficult, too difficult. Automatically I think of grad school. That was no picnic. It was bootcamp. It was grueling. It was hard. I cried all the time. I dreaded the passing of time, but I also felt like things would never end. I don't know if this marathon is the same thing, if it's the same kind of anxiety. I mean, it probably is, but I've blocked a lot of those feelings out (thanks, brain). All of that aside, awesome things came from my grad school experience and looking back, I'd only change a hand full of things... lol jk. I wouldn't change too much. Chances are, amazing things will come from this marathon experience. I'm already meeting awesome people; my love affair with running is still alive; and my body is not 100% dead. Speaking of which, I would like to give a special shout out to my body. It never ceases to amaze me all the things it lets me do and put it through. It complains, but only when I don't give it the attention it deserves. Body, you are the real MVP. I guess we just have to find a way for our brain to shut up and enjoy too. 

If you guys have any tips/tricks that you have picked up to keep your mind off of the "terrible" things you're putting yourself through, let me know in the comments! (Especially if it's a counting/math game. I love doing that kind of stuff while I run.) Or if you have an especially good audiobook recommendation!

thanks for reading, as usual! I'll be sure to keep you all up to date on the marathon haps. 

xX, kk

Yosemite!

Has it really been two weeks since I last posted? I'm terrible! 

Anyways, like I sad in my last post, I went to Yosemite a couple weekends ago, and it was amazing! It was also really difficult and maybe a little scary -- all of which were in great ways... hindsight is 20/20. 

I made a little video/vlog of my time there. Check it out below...

Hope you enjoyed watching me take the struggle bus up a mountain. 

xX, kk

April was here. I think?

The month of April is always a crazy one. Baseball, Coachella, my Birthday, and then the fourth week.. lol.. this year it was a camping trip to Yosemite. Needless to say, it was a whirlwind. It's kind of crazy when I think about it, because the month always flies by. I mean I know I do a lot, but where the fuck does it go? This all probably sounds like something someone says while high, but here goes anyways. Don't you think it's crazy that every day of the year only happens once a year, but when it's your birthday, it's somehow really effing special!? I think that's nuts, and every April, I think about how I love each and every day of April. I relish in it and even think "oh no April's almost over" when April 18th comes around. It's crazy! I'm nuts. 

Anyways, Coachella was great! I stayed with my friends JessRam and Menace -- yes I call them both that IRL. We got a super sweet hook up, which made #grandmachella turn into a somewhat #LITchella. I finally got to go to NEONCarnival, and it was exactly as advertised -- an exclusive neon-lit carnival after party. There were carnival games, free prizes, open bar, the works! I didn't see any celebrities, but I did see a lot of rich people actin' a fool. My favorite part of the weekend (other than hanging out with my friend) was going to this pool party put on by Republic Records. I mean, Hailee Steinfeld and Joe Jonas were there. Side note: NEVER try to take a picture of the Jonas brothers and their DNCE friends while they are eating -- a scary big body guard will lean into your face and tell you "don't do that" in the most sweet yet terrifying voice. (Yes, I still talk about this with my therapist.) ANYWAYS, Coachella was boppin' I'll post some pics -- I know that's why you all come. 

My birthday was a mere 7 days post-chella, and I decided to run 10 miles that morning. I mean, I'll only be in my twenties for a few hundred more days. My BFF Karen (we still haven't really DTR, but let's just call her my BFF) came and visited and brought my BDFF - best DOG friend forever - Wallie with her to stay the weekend. It was amazing. He didn't eat and therefore didn't shit -- great combo. I threw myself a picnic at Dolores Park and had all my friends come hang out with me. I spent 6 hours in the sun and inevitably got sunburnt -- and a little tipsy. This year was the year of BITMOJI. I got a card and 6 cupcakes with my cute little kimoji v2.0 on them, and I finally got to sit in one of those inflatable air-couch-vaginas -- thanks, Dan! 

The week after my birthday -- and even now -- has been a complete mind fuck. I have been working hard in almost all aspects of my life (sorry, friends), and I have been left to feel quite a bit defeated. It's hard to explain, but it feels like every time I push myself, I feel myself...  resisting? I'm not even sure if that's the right way to put it. I'm just constantly in my own head. I've worked really hard on trying to "roll with the punches" but it's been difficult lately. At work, I feel myself being stubborn and throwing mini temper tantrums when things don't go my way... Oh wait, that's not just at work (and it's really not as bad as I make it sound. 95% of it is internal monologue). Basically, I've been "brute forcing" my way through a lot of challenges at my job in trying to deal with and "fix" the gender-race-equality "thing" that seems to plague most industries. It's an uphill climb thinking about what it means to be sustainably living in this city, especially with the tech industry just sittin' pretty over yonder. Similarly, while working out - i.e. while doing the thing I love almost more than anything (eating obvs is the most favorite) - I keep finding myself doubting, doubting my real strength/power, doubting whether or not i'll be able to do it, get there, finish without hurting myself. I ran 14 miles this past Saturday, the most I've ever run. I went into it thinking "I'll be fine, I'm just going to run-walk. 2.25 minutes on, 1 minute off." When it came to it, I was asked to run-run. I choked. I cried. I pouted. I was angry.. angrier than I've been in a while. The kicker is, the whole time, I knew i was physically capable. My legs didn't hurt, but my lungs felt it. It was hot. My heart was pounding. I was clearly dehydrated. It. Was. Hard. I did it. I finished, but I'm still mad, still a little disappointed. I'm happy that I did it, but upset that I either didn't stand up for myself or didn't believe in myself enough... or maybe it's something else. Two days later, while I was in Yosemite, the same thing happened again. I was hiking to upper Yosemite Falls, and I hit this point where I was over it. I wanted to quit, give up, throw my hands up, jump off the mountain. Again, I could physically do it. It was a mental game that I was clearly losing. I still haven't figured it out. I can't explain why I feel so conflicted or where this loss in ego is coming from. I know that I am strong, confident, and capable, but in the face of it all, I seem to forget. Maybe it's normal... maybe its me unconsciously freaking out because I've got less than a year to "get my act together" (because I totally know that 30 doesn't really mean shit and is just some arbitrary 'deadline' I gave myself to be a 'real adult' by).... or maybe this is just normal. Maybe this is just life and the roller coaster of it all. Maybe this is just the struggle of being "woke", of being cognizant of the work it takes to be happy and healthy and strong.

UGH. Life. It's so complicated. There are so many feelings to analyze.. lol. Do you guys have this internal conflict?! I can't be the only one. How do you deal? Sometimes I feel like I just need to quiet my brain (enter the real housewives). Let me know if you have any advice or just want to commiserate!!

Thanks for reading this brain fart! It was not a short one. 

xX, kk

It's back!

What up my people?! Everything is going to be okay. Baseball is back! We are well into my FAVORITE month of the year, and by golly, it's gonna be a good one. Opening day was this past sunday, March Madness came to an end, the Giants home opener is this coming Monday, Coachella is the weekend after, then it's my birthday -- see ya soon 30!

April. is. jam. packed. 

Hopefully it'll mean I have more content to post (okay, if this were a drinking game, everyone would be wasted. I mean how many times have I said that?!) But seriously, I've had a lot on my mind lately. I went through a kind of weird slump the past few months. Basically the entire time I was gone and I've been struggling with trying to figure out how to get back to a place where I'm happy, healthy, balanced, and having fun. I think I let cruise control take over and lost myself in just going through the motions. I went into a passive state of mind and looked up one day totally confused as to how i got there. It's hard to explain, but hopefully you understand. I think i'm back at a place where I'm excited again. I'm super motivated to make. shit. happen. 

Side note, while I'm doing this, I'm uploading the pictures from my iPhone to my computer... I haven't done that since... wait for it... last February. HOLY CRAP. that is 14 months of photos on my phone!

So you have a list of the things I'm doing this month... which one are you most excited to hear about? my grandma Coachella adventures? how I'm throwing myself a birthday party that I'm only a little bit excited for? or hoe I'm training for a MARATHON!? yeah, i thought I'd just drop that right here. You know, it's a cliff hanger! Leave me a comment!! now that I FINALLY got it to work.

xX,

kk

 

here's a picture of Ocean Beach that I took from a car going 35 mph.

Here's a tease...?

Did I do that right? I'm not sure. I was in the middle of making this way better than it is when I found out that my car got broken into... for the third time.... in 18 months... Anyways, this is super low-effort, and for that, I don't apologize. I am trying my hand at this vlogging business. Let me know if it's somehting you guys would like! 

xX, kk

Cause everyday we (can't always) be livin' it up

woof. today was a rough one. I don't know if it was because I had a deadline, decided to grow some balls and talk to a high up boss, or had too much coffee, but something just did not feel right. I mean, I'm barely even using proper grammar.. punctuation? does grammar include that stuff? 

Anyways, I got to my workout this evening and I was ready to kill it. Well, I was ready to work on my form. We were doing deadlifts, and the last time i had worked on them, I felt like I wasn't doing them right. There are more things to keep in mind than I think one might think. Being a lifelong perfectionist with super high standards, I want to have the best damn deadliftI want it to be squeaky clean, so beautiful, like a work of art. But something just wasn't right. I lifted... "okay", it didn't feel as good as it has in the past. I was getting feedback, but I felt like i couldn't translate the tips into my routine. I felt clunky, tight, and totally in my head. I was frustrated beyond belief. "Why can't I do this?" "Am I using my legs?" "Where are my lats?" "Is my core engaged?" "Can I feel my back" "are my arms locked out?" "Am I finishing with my hips?' 

It turned into a mind game -- a story of "These are all the reasons why you can't." "These are all the things that make you less than." I know this is my downfall, the negative self-talk. I'm my own worst enemy. I know I do this, and usually, I do a good job of keeping it in check. Today was different. Today i didn't see it coming, I didn't even know it happened until I left, disappointed in myself, upset that I didn't "work hard" or "push" -- things that aren't even necessarily true. I was working on different things. Maybe I wasn't slinging heavy weights, but I was still working... right? 

It's new for me to not be in this constant mindset. It's new for me to give myself the "glory", "respect", and "praise" I "deserve". I mean, I can't even write that sentence without putting that shit in quotes! ugh. Even know, as I'm typing this, as I'm sitting here acknowledging the hard work I'm putting in, I'm still thinking about how I probably can't engage all my muscles because I have too much fat that gets in the damn way of being able to lift properly. 

I guess I'm writing because I know i need to learn to let go. I need to accept that we have off-days. I'm just having trouble along the way... what do they call them? learning pains? growing pains.. I'm an idiot -- it's like the show. It's important for me to realize that this is okay. Days like today, days that are harder than easier, are normal and they are okay. They don't define me, and they don't mean I'm unworthy or a slacker or a lazy ass. If anything, they mean I'm doing things a little differently. 

That all being said, I still have trouble getting out of the mindset of "i suck". Today, I watched baseball to get myself right, but that's not always on. Do you all have suggestions as to how I can pull myself out of these ruts when they happen? If so, leave a comment and let me know! I need all the help I can get. 

xX, kk

Minimalism.

Everyone's doing it. I mean, didn't you guys see the documentary?! It's cool if you didn't, I just watched it last weekend. I'm sure you all know what it's about, a guy meets a girl... they fall in love, but not before an obstacle gets in their way... jk. It's about "the important things". 

So I found out about The Minimalists through their podcast. I am an avid podcast listener/fan. If I'm listening to something, 85% chance it's a podcast -- then 10% for Hamilton and 5% for some top 40 pop shit. The podcasts I listen to range from the funny to the nerdy to the existential -- I'm multi-faceted, you guys. I found their podcast from the top ten list and decided to give it a listen. I started listening in mid-December, and it was a time when I was going through some growing pains. I had finally "settled in" to the adult life, meaning I had established a routine and kind of prioritized the things that were/are important to me. Things, however, got overwhelming. I hit a road bump and couldn't quite figure out how to recover. I was trying. trying, trying to figure it out, but I couldn't quite get there. As a result, I started buying all this stuff. I started spending my money almost recklessly, trying to find comfort in the "things" I had. 

I started listening to this podcast, and as cheesy as it sounds, it opened my eyes. I had always tied happiness and worth to the things in my life -- my car, my speakers, my cell phone, my shoes. What I heard these guys talk about was a life where that isn't the case. While I want to say a switch went off, it didn't really. I was more skeptical than anything at first. I doubted that I could get rid of my things. I worried that I would juts replace them. I wondered if this was just another quick fix. Also, I wondered how the hell do you become a minimalist. While all my questions have yet to be answered, I can at least shed light on the things i've done and noticed. 

So they get the "how do I become a minimalist" question a lot, and they have two suggestions: a packing party and a game. The packing party seems pretty simple (or tedious depending on how you look at it). First, you put everything you own into boxes, as if you were moving. I believe as you pack, you try and quantify how important things are to you. In doing so, you hopefully are able to parse down your belongings. Then you go to bed. For the next thirty days, you pull out only the things that you need as you need them, e.g. I need socks today, I have to grab them from the box. After 30 days, the idea is that you probably don't need the stuff that is still sitting in the boxes and you donate/get rid of them as necessary. On The Minimalists website, there is a link to "game" that you can play, aptly titled "The Minimalism Game". Essentially you get rid of one thing a day and each day you add additional thing to get rid of. 

I thought it would be an interesting exercise/experiment in letting go so I coaxed a couple family members and coworkers into participating with me. I'm happy to say that I got through it! it was difficult, but I made it. I got rid of upwards of 500 things! Go me! Here is what I learned:

  • I have a bad habit of holding on to things that I find to be sentimental. This is okay if I somehow honor or spotlight these items so that they bring me joy when I see them, i.e. once they get shoved behind other items of sentimental value, it's probably time to reconsider holding on to it. 
  • Even in my 80 sq. foot room, I have so much room to just store crap. Clothes, shoes, magazines, you name it. 
  • I don't have to get rid of everything. If something makes me happy, I don't have to get rid of it. This however takes a lot of self-reflection. Sometimes (read: always) it's difficult to distinguish the emotional from the practical; however, I learned that if I have a Koozy that really makes me happy, I'm allowed to keep it. becuase it still brings me joy!
  • My stuff doesn't define me. When I think about this, I think about high school I went to an affluent, all girls high school. Image was clearly not taken lightly. I often felt like the stuff I owned was a direct reflection of who I am as a person. During this game, I realized that I still have the tendency to do this, i.e. "look at all the cool gadgets I own". 
  • Function over form. Give me something I can use instead of just look at. It will add indefinitely add more value to my life. 
  • Just do it. It's stuff. Take a deep breath, and think, "How is this _____ serving me?" It sounds like a dumb question and very "hippie" but this really helped. There was no way in the world I would ever need more than 5 water bottles or 3 pairs of the same free sunglasses. 

Basically, the process was eye opening, and by no means do I think I'm done. Such is life. The one thing that I did not expect to learn or realize that would happen is my thought process when I now think about getting something. There's this weird hesitation I now have where I stop myself and ask "Do I really need this, or do I just want it". It's strange how many things there are in the world that I just want.. I wonder why -- insert humorous comment re: the consumerist economy. 

Anyways, long story short, I highly recommend and encourage anyone who is thinking about doing something like this to do it. If you think you can't do it, I think you might surprise yourself. Also, you have to be willing to play along. This isn't going to "work" if you just throw things away because you feel like you have to. It's really a mindset change that you make over the course of 30 days, and it's amazing!

Even though I got rid of 500+ things, I feel like you can't tell in my room. Do you guys think I should go for round 2? and do I have any takers/buddies to come along on the ride? LMK

xX,kk

HOLY WEEKEND, BATMAN.

So, it's here or at least, it was. The weekend! not the WKND or Abel or whoever.. i digress.

I have this kind of terrible habit where I say "I'm not doing anything this weekend" and then end up jam packing my weekend with activities, unintentionally... This was one of those weekends. This week has kicked off this slightly insane workout regimen that I've decided to take on -- I'm going to run 3 times a week and lift three times a week. Theoretically, I have one off day, but sometimes I do two a days, and other times, I forget that I commit to things like spin classes and hikes. It's safe to say that I enjoy spending my time sweating. 

This Friday was supposed to be an "off day" but I knew for months that I had Cycle for Survival. You all probably remember my post about this time last year where I participated in a team with my coworkers to ride a stationary bike to raise money for rare cancer research, if not... go back and read it. Well, #CFS is no joke. There is a ton of sweating and ton more fun, but it was a workout. After sweatfest2017, we all went out to celebrate at a swank cocktail bar where I got two drinks, did not think i was drunk, but woke up the next day with a hang over. 

Last weekend, I asked my mom if she wanted to go to FanFest with me -- cause, you know, I love those gigantes. So we went, and we walked. We walked along the Embarcadero from the Ferry Building to the yard, and we walked every level of the ball park. some twice. My mom, on somewhat of a whim, bought season tickets, and it's safe to say my year has been made. We saw some of our favorite Giants, ate garlic fries, and then walked back to Muni. I was still hung over. Good news is i had a pretty lazy rest of the day. 

So I went to bed early and today I woke up early with every intention to not be late to a hiking adventure with my coworkers. Of course, that wasn't the case. I couldn't figure out how to cross a street (no, I was not hung over.) After that debacle, I finally made it to Sausalito, hiked 7 miles with friends a dog <insert happy face emoji> and got the most sun I have since Indian Summer. The hike was beautiful. I honestly don't know why I don't just do it more often... maybe it's because I'm so buys doing everything freaking else.. lawls

After the hike, I called my sister cause I was hungry and she's always good for getting food. I went with her and her boyfriend to a farmer's market -- did I mention I also did this with my mom at the Ferry Building the day before? I got a ham and cheese croissant AND a green açai bowl (the ham and cheese croissant was obvs way better.) We went to a couple of cute little boutiques -- I'm so proud of myself for not buying all the things -- and then we went to her bf's pad and played this game on his tv. OH but we also went to this open house and fantasized about all the ways we could live in a fancy house together in SF. #lol #inmydreams 

After hanging with the sis, I returned my rental to it's dumb parking spot, went grocery shopping and spent the better half the afternoon watching shitty reality TV. jk, it was quality reality tv #noregrets This is all over the span of 48 hours. I'm tired thinking about it... no, wait, I'm just tired from doing all of it. Maybe this is better insight into why I haven't done a rgeat job keeping up with this thing -- eternal apologies, seriously. 

Okay, I'm off to bed, but I'll leave you with a couple pics from my super sick, jam-packed, awesome possum weekend. 

 

Xx, kk

Dear 2016,

A love letter to 2016.... if we can even call it that. 

This year has been weird. I hesitate to say it was terrible, because only parts of it were, but I've had better years. Not to sell this year short -- I did do a lot of personal growth -- but people (and maybe me?) are definitely ready to move on to the next. So as I close out the year, holed up in my room streaming movies about space, I feel like i should probably reflect on things... so here goes:

2016, you were a lot. I have had some pretty crazy highs with you and, unfortunately, some equally crazy lows. Though, what is light without darkness, right?! The past twelve months i've spent with you have been fraught with this internal struggle. I've clearly been trying to find myself, love myself, accept myself. 

I started off in love with an idea -- an idea of what my life was meant to be, meant to look like. I spent more than half, arguably am still, of you just trying to rewire my mind, hoping that along the way I would see that things I'd convinced myself of weren't fact. So I would first like to thank you, year and/or universe, for being patient. I know I'm stubborn and I know I am not the quickest to hope onboard the change train. So much time and energy went into me this year. Self-love, self-care, you name it. And damn, it was about freaking time. So again, thank you. 

Secondly, 2016, I just want to say how big of a fucking let down you were in so many areas of my life. (you saw this coming, I started off with a thank you..) I don't even know if I'm done processing the general disarray i feel the world has entered since election day, but that's not even the disappointment I'm talking about. you let the Cubs win the World Series... and moreover, you let the freaking Cavs pull one on us?!?! Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll admit I enjoyed parts of it. (but I will still raise my fist in the air!) All joking aside, this year is ending on a strange note. I guess I won't say it's been a disappointment, but man, you had so many glass shattering moments for me. I get it, adulthood is hard, but you didn't have to really show me that my spending habits were on the verge of absurd or that sometimes when I think I'm being funny, I'm just being a big fat jerk. I know, I can (and will) learn from all these things, but you clearly forgot that ignorance is bliss. 

Lastly, and maybe most importantly (prob not), thanks -- yes again. I know people said the universe has my back, but this year, ya really proved it. Yes, there are still things I need to step up to the plate on, but dang, I learned a lot. I pushed, and you in turn shoved, to be a better person. I am so proud of who I am today, so grateful for the life/opportunity/body/mind/etc. that I've been given. This year I truly believed and felt it. I am a lovable, confident, strong, empowered soul. Thank you for really showing me who I am.

2016, you've been amazing, but I won't lie, I'm not too sad to see you go. I've learned a lot, loved a little, laughed quite a bit, and lived like... well, like it was 2016. and while it scares me to say this, I am so ready for 2017. So see you later, maybe in a different life -- where time travel exists.

Take care, ever change, have a great summer, and please don't #KIT. (I'll probs be busy then)

So there you have it, my sign off to the weirdest year yet. I can't confidently say I didnt cry more than the year before, but I can say that I had one heck of a time this year, I mean it's chronicled in this blog!

Stay crazy, be safe, and happy freaking new year! (even though It's clearly overrated)

xX, kk

oh yeah... this thing.

oh, hey... are you still there?! I kind of went M.I.A. again. did you notice? you did... well, let me try to explain... again. 

So you all know that I took a crazy test -- update: I don't have the results back, but supposedly I'm supposed to her tomorrow or Friday.... excuse me while I go puke. Anyways, I have been just trying to get back to normal since the testing/studying/stress madness. Things didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. Work has been crazy busy with the end of the year and playing catch up, aaaannnndddd it's been way harder to get back on track health-wise. Who knew that studying for 6 weeks straight and eating out constantly is bad?

But here's the real deal: my life has been hard lately. Not the hardest it's ever been, not harder than it was when I was studying all the time, but I guess this time around it was unexpected. I felt prepared for the last few times my life was difficult. I mean, hard shit was going down. This time, it's just been work, and life, and "normal" things. I kind of got lost in my ways. I forgot the things I've learned over the past year. I forgot that I'm a fighter that I'm strong, smart, capable, lovable, and amazing. I forgot how difficult it can be to be kind to yourself when you forget those things. 

I know this sounds cheesy, but it's important.

People may forget. People may not know. I've recently been on this quest to find myself -- i'm sure y'all know about this. Because I made so much progress over the summer, I think I got a little too comfortable. I wasn't putting the work in, and in the process I lost myself. It's weird to say and think about because it sounds so cliché, but there really is no other way for me to explain it. 

Anyways, I didn't forget about this blog even though I know I haven't been writing as much, or giving it it's due respect/priority/blahblahblah. And I am sorry that I was back and then disappeared again. I'll try better/more.. or something. 

sorry this was way more train of thought-y than I usually am. 

xX, kk

Fuck yes, or no.

Dating is hard. Maybe I make it harder, but it is so difficult to decipher the feelings of "this is nice" from "this isn't bad." One is clearly better than the other, but they are pretty much the same, at least, that's how I feel most of the time. So how do I know when I'm really enjoying someone's company?  

when I think about past relationships, and even present friendships, I never have a feeling of "oh man, what should I say?" I rarely think about looking at the clock or whether or not there is something in my teeth. I just am. When I date, this is almost never the case. I mean there are times that are less awkward than others, but for the most part, I feel like there's always something... off.  

A good friend once told me, "It's either a fuck yes, or it's a no." Initially I thought this was dumb, like I should give everyone a chance, right?! But I guess there's a lot that lies within that saying. I should be excited; I should know I want in; and arguably most importantly, I should be happy. I mean, who wants to show up for a date, dreading the outcome -- not to say I dread my dates. 

There is the other part of me that wonders if I'm being unrealistic and somewhat ridiculous, maybe this fairytale doesn't exist.. maybe this thinking that I will just know when it arrives is naive... but I mean, I would like to believe that I won't ever have to settle, that when the time and place are right, my guy will be right by my side. I really want to believe that the anxiety I have about holding someone's hand won't exist with the right person and the worry that I won't be enough will be... well, it'll always be there, but it'll be minor...

The thing is, I'm excited. I'm excited now to embark and this crazy journey, to break hearts and have my heart be broken. I can't wait to feel like im going to throw up because I'm so pumped to hang out with someone. I've been there before, and it's nice. It's not "not bad." And it's definitely worth the feeling you get after you crash land back on earth -- obviously after a good amount of time has passed. 

Dating is hard. But I guess if I think about what it means -- to find a partner for life -- I can see why it ain't easy. [[sigh]] well, at least I'll have some great stories to tell y'all later on. 😉

thanks for reading! 

xX, kk  

Is this the real life?

The past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. On the eve of this presidential election, there was so much excitement. The prospect of electing the first female president of the US was exhilarating. But there was also a very strong feeling of anxiety for me. This is nothing new, and to be quite honest, I couldn't tell if it was just my anxiety or the anxiety of the nation that I felt... Regardless, I was hopeful. I think a lot of people were. The night unfolded as we all know, and not quite as expected... or as hoped for.. and as I sit here in my sunny, somewhat clean room, I can't help but wonder what the future has in store. 

My dread and anxiety are at an all time high. I don't think i've felt such impending doom since maybe high school. I don't know what the future holds, and for the first time as an "adult" i'm a little scared. Not necessarily the excited scared that I've felt for the past few years, it's this "oh god, oh god, make it stop" kind of fear. The rough part is that I can't tell if I'm overreacting or notl, and the even scarier part is that I'm a little worried I'm not reacting enough. 

So why am I writing? what point do I really have to prove? what feelings am I trying to sort out. I mean, I'm not quite sure, but I know one thing for sure, for sure. I want to be positive. I want to put love and hope into the universe. It's pretty apparent that there really isn't enough of it out there. And the thing is, I don't think it's just one group of people who are acting/reacting this way. I think that there is just a lot of bad feelings out there.... even after writing those sentences, I'm struggling with leaving them there... ugh. okay, moving on. 

What I really want to write about and remind myself of is this: I have so much to be grateful and hopeful for. It's not that I just have a bright future and high hopes for myself, it's that I know I have amazing people in my life. I know that my community is filled with people who are ready and willing to take action, and I know a majority of those people are female. 

The Future is Female.

As cheesy as that is or sounds, I think I have to remind myself of it, especially now. When I think about my friends, my peers, I can't help but be so proud and amazed. As shitty as things feel at the moment, I know that this isn't forever. Hopefully it's just a wake up call -- a shitty reminder to not rest on our laurels (which, admittedly, is SUPER easy to do). I need that reminder that there are women around who are constantly kicking ass and taking names. Whether it's my bosses and coworkers who are changing a male-dominated field and fighting for equality by shining a light on the very real gender inequalities or it's my badass b friends who have invented and reinvented what it means to have lady-swag, I know that I'm surrounded by good -- scratch that, GREAT -- people. 

This past summer has been a transformative time in my life. I really fought to find out who I am, who I want to be, and I honestly could not have done it if it weren't for the people around me to push me when I needed it and to catch me when I fell. In this time of doubt, I can't forget about that. I can't forget that life is a choice, and that I get to choose how I want my life to unfold. Yes, it's unfortunate that my country will be led by someone I didn't choose, but what fun would life be if there weren't the occasional obstacle. I mean it's going to be as hard or easy as I choose to make it, right?! Maybe it sounds like I'm making light of a bigger problem, maybe it sounds like I'm just in denial, and I'm not denying that I'm not still processing, but in ways, I think it's way more productive to remind myself of these things...

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that we can all choose to turn this shitty outcome into something positive. I'm not going to lie, I have no idea what that looks like, but I know that if I keep my head up and remember all the good things, the universe will feel that. I mean, this truly can't be the worst thing this country has felt. Yes, it's the first time I've felt this way as an adult, but I refuse to believe that this is the worst thing that's ever happened to us... 

Anyways, I might be more confused than when I started writing, but I know that I've got a badass girlgang around me and I know that we won't let this stop us from kicking ass. I also know that I can -- as hard as it will be -- take that "high road" and this feeling of dread will pass... hopefully soon. 

In the words of Ellen DeG, be kind to each other. 

xX, kk

 

That Jetset Life

SInce I've been gone... you can breathe for the first time. jk I've been traveling A LOT. I travelled to five different places in four different states, took 3 round trip flights, and 3 road trips. It was exhausting to say the elast, but it was also super exciting to be able to see so many different places and get to really "live the life" I've always thought to be so "fun." The good news is that I confirmed my beliefs -- traveling is a necessary thing for me in life. The bad news is that I didn't fee like I fully got to experience all the places I went. I guess that's not really bad news; I just left knowing that I wanted to go back and see the things I didn't get a chance to check out while I was there. 

I went to San Diego, San Luis Obispo, Chicago, Milwaukee, and ended with the Big Island of Hawai'i. I spent at least two nights in each place that I went and stayed in Hawai'i the longest (10 days -- it really is a BIG island though).

The primary reason for all of the weddings I went to was marriage -- well, weddings. This year, as I'm sure I've mentioned numerous times in the past, I was invited to four weddings in a five week span. While my attendance was definitely not mandatory, and maybe at times went unnoticed, I definitely felt #blessed to be a part of my friends' memorable days. Each of the weddings I was invited to this year were for people in my life that I really hold dear to my heart... is that the saying? maybe it's near to my heart... regardless, I love them all very much and it was pretty much a nonstarter that I would miss these weddings. As much as I tout the 4 in 5 as a hardship, it really wasn't. It gave me a great excuse to see cities and places I've never seen before, and go places that I wouldn't typically think of going. 

San Diego was fun. We went for one of my best friends' bachelorettes. We had bottle service -- something that I am not accustomed to getting -- and coordinated our outfits -- also something that I don't typically do. 

I spent Labor Day in my second home, San Luis Obispo. I did all the normal things, drink, visit with friends, reminisce, and wish that we could go back to when we were 20 and so naive. It was so so so great to see my college friends, and seriously some of the most important people to me in my life. These people went through the thick of it with me, and it was amazing to spend the weekend with them.

My trip to Chicago was the first one I've ever done solo in my life. To be honest, I was a little nervous. I grew up in what some would say a very sheltered environment and traveling alone as a female was not something that was highly encouraged. That being said, I had a blast. I am not typically a big planner, but I usually have an idea of all the things I want to do. My first stop was Wrigleyville -- I'd like to think I spread some of my even year magic on them (you're welcome, cubbies). I then went to The Second City to see some improv (it was fantastic). I was able to squeeze everything else in the next day -- Millennium Park, Chicago Dog, The Bean, Sears Tower, etc.

From there I rented a car and hopped on the road up to Milwaukee to meet up with my grad school clique. I checked in to the hotel and in an effort to beat rush hour traffic, headed straight to Miller Park -- because baseball! I came across a race day packet pick up for the Brewers' equivalent to the Giant Race, and was able to sneak inside for a quick tour -- self guided. I felt like a bad ass. Unfortunately, I had given all my even year magic to the Cubs and didn't save any for the Brewers, maybe next time? My friends and I then walked the streets of downtown Milwaukee, drank beer and was merry. The next day was the wedding (epic), and the next morning, literally at the butt crack of dawn, I hopped back in the Jeep Compass, and drove back to Chicago to catch my flight to SF. (And then drove straight to AT&T Park and ran a 5k). 

Last, but certainly not least, I got on a plane three weeks later and headed off to Hawai'i for 8 days. It was one of the more amazing trips I've been on. Front loaded with adventure and just jam-packed with quality time with my sister and mom. Even though I obviously grew up with them, I think this is the first time we went on a vacation just the three of us, granted we did meet up with the rest of our family the second half of the trip. This trip was longer than all the other ones combined, so I'm going to save that story for another time. There is also one other wedding that I went to that I will share seperately.. because this post was the longest one in a while, and my wrists kind of hurt. 

In the meantime, enjoy these pictures.....

much love xX, kk

What the hell, it's November?!

Hello, World! Did you miss me?! Well, I sure as hell missed you.

So much has happened in the three months that I've been gone. I wrapped up the leadership program I was in; I went to four weddings in five weeks -- one of which was local (that one I officiated); I travelled to Chicago, Milwaukee, and Hawai'i; I went to my first postseason game; I studied and took my PE exams; I caught up on all my doctor's appointments; and I fell in love with the most basic of food items, açai bowls. 

Okay, but real talk, the past twelve weeks have been crazy busy. I haven't even had time to write in this thing. I've been studying for my professional engineering license exam, which i finished today -- woo! Studying completely took over my life for the entire month of October. In case you forgot, October is my second favorite month of the year (not because of Halloween). It's mostly because I love postseason baseball, but the prospect of Indian summer in the City is also great. As much as I dislike summer and love the fog, it's nice to see the sun.... Let's be real, I live in the mission, and the sun is always out. I just like Indian summer.... 

But i'm looking forward to telling you -- the two people? who still read this? -- about my summer and all the crazy things I have planned for the future... 12 weeks.. 

Check back in. I've got a lot of pics -- i know how much some of you love those, and thanks for reading!

xX, kk

Summertime Sadness

First of all, I didn't even see Lana Del Rey (Ray? who knows.. I could google it buuuttt... :D). So I am not the hugest fan of summer. I like spring and autumn much more. Maybe it's because summer in the City is non-existent or we just really celebrate Indian Summer here... Anyways, I do feel like there is a lot to be bummed about today. 

1. summer is over for a lot of children! It's back to school today or tomorrow or monday or whenever, and I remember that feeling of semi-bittersweet endings/beginnings. 

2. My boys of summer (los gigantes) are 1/2 a game back from first place because of the july swoon/gloom/blues. I guess technically these would be the "dog days of summer", but you get my point -- MY BOYS AREN'T IN FIRST! 

3. The summer time olympics ends this week! I love getting a chance to really come together as a nation. I think the summer olympics by far are my favorite -- sorry, winter -- and it also brings us together during a pretty crazy election year (though, is every election year crazy?) 

4. The long summer days are getting shorter. noooooooOOOOO!!!! I love waking up at dawn, don't get me werong, I also love being awak for dawn. but making the adjustment from the former to the latter is one that requires discipline and will -- only one of which I currently have. 

5. wedding season is upon us. Don't get me wrong, I love love. This year, however, all my friends (I swear I still love you) are getting married week after week after week! all in september!! yikes! not to mention I have one of the biggest tests of my post-graduate life to take at the end of october... 

Okay, enough of the things I'm sad to see go. What i am excited for, albeit a much shorter list:

-the fall classic

-fantasy football

-indian summer

my list stops there atm. (I legit just sat staring at my screen for a minute solid). 

okay! let's get the most out of these last days of conventional summer -- don't worr,y I know fall doesn't actually start until September 22nd, but anyone who thinks september 20th is still summer is a little crazy... no offense. 

xX, kk

Livin' Life Lyrically.

I constantly find myself in "stages" of life where every single song I hear has this huge impact on me lyrically. I don't typically listen to the words of songs because I'm so concentrated on dancing my heart out, but when I do take the time to listen, I'm just like, "WHOA. this is me." I'm sure that this is the effect that artists are going for. you know, to constantly relate to people. Have every song feel like it's a song about them. I wonder if I'm just "so basic". 

So recently (read last week, 7 days ago) I went to Outside Lands. It's that huge music frestival that takes place every first weekend of August in Golden Gate Park. You know, the one where people show up expecting it to be like Coachella (because, California) and it's actually cold AF and foggy and a little wet... Anyways, i was at OSL and LCD Soundsystem came on. I love them, but this time when I saw them, I felt like James Murphy was reading my damn mind. So many of his songs hit the pin on the head for me (is that the saying?) There was this one about how all people do is talk and argue and no body does anything. no body acts. That's how i feel. a lot. especially in groups of peers. (I'm surrounded by a ton of thinkers -- english majors, engineers, creative people, engineers...) 

And then I listen to cheesy pop music -- read Taylor Swift -- and I constantly feel like my heart is totally in the same place as hers, even though I haven't been in a real relationship for years. I mean I can still be heart broken, right?! no, wait. that doesn't sound good. I meant, I can still be all about my girl gang. 

Long story short: I'm in this phase of life where (almost) every song I listen to, I feel i can directly relate to -- j.biebs and drake included! I wonder if other people feel that way... or what not. #foreverrambling I'm going to ask you all to comment as to whether or not this happens to you, but I have a feeling that may fall to the wayside :P #nonewfriends #needtogetmyviewershipup

Alright, peace out my favorite readers! (you know who you are)

xX, kk